10 ways to avoid spring break in New York City

For most, spring break means poolside hedonism and loud drinking. (Why always so loud?) For the rest of us quiet ones, spring break is a nightmare. Since abandoning society isn't an option — or so they keep telling us — here are 10 ways to avoid New York City spring break.

1. Build a blanket fort in your own apartment.
IKEA delivers — peace and quiet, with semi-sound proof pillows.

2. Avoid all the top tourist attractions.
New York, USA - July 27, 2016 Times Square crowded of peopleGetty

Let's be real, you probably weren't planning to visit The Met or the Empire State Building any time soon. But don't even think about it this week. Stay as far away from Fifth Avenue as you possibly can.

3. Revert back to childhood.
Spend spring break how you always wish you could: playing video games. Lock yourself in your room with Zelda or grab a couple friends and hit up Barcade.

4. Dive into your nearest dive bar.
Spring breakers are allergic to low-light if there's not a heavy beat pulsating through it. You're in luck: Blue & Gold is a great place to hide — in a $5 whiskey. There's also a pool table, so you'll have weapons to defend yourself against the breakerz (TM).

5. Seek high ground.
The Breakers (TM) are on a mission for two things: drinking and getting laid. You know what takes a lot of work and doesn't necessarily end with either of those two things? Rock climbing. Check out Brooklyn Boulders in Gowanus, i.e. the furthest point away from TB (The Breakerz), because ain't nobody breakin' spring in Gowanus.

6. Volunteer.
Another place you won't find TB: donating time to great causes, like cleaning up Randall's Island, and non-profits. New York Cares — about anyone that's not just trying to hook up.

7. Hide in the library.
NEW YORK CITY - JULY 10: people study in the New York Public Library on July 10, 2010 in Manhattan, New York City. New York Publshutterstock

Sensing a pattern? Good, then you're definitely smart enough to learn Arabic or computer science at any NYPL location. Do the thing spring breakers are trying to avoid: be a better person.

8. Dance like no one's watching, because they're not.
Even when you're trying to skirt rowdy crowds, you still wouldn't mind getting rowdy yourself. You just have to be strategic about it. The Pyramid Club is a great place to bump into a math teacher busting a groove, not someone who hasn't passed a math class since the early 'aughts.

9. Run away.
TBs are definitely not spending their time setting PRs (personal records). So, pop into a Planet Fitness or take a spin along the Manhattan Waterfront Greenway.

10. Leave.
There's great hiking in Chappaqua, according to Instagram surveillance of Hillary Clinton. And it's only an hour away by train, leaving from Grand Central Terminal.




Nikki Palumbo is a comedy writer and annual anti-spring breaker. She tweets about peace and quiet here.